2002.1119.1130

get your shit in order, you are going to die tomorrow.

my little buddha reminds me peacefully that this is what life is made of. it's not what you can do, but what you choose to do, and what you choose not to do. we are defined, not by our potential, but by our actual selves. the reality of the world is shaped, not by possibility, but by a million movements. yes the universe is infinite, but the world is real-time.

it's a good thing that i have checked out the buddha because i've just had, shall we say, an incident. this incident was one of those little things like a stray flowerpot that just happens to fall on your head. no matter how much you understand gravity, you always think it was pushed. am i talking around in quite enough circles? well, the deal is this, the wife thinks i don't love her, and the fact that i am spending money for my son's visitation has convinced her that i'm undermining the marriage. at least that's my interpretation of her letter. until i can break through her cone of silence, that's about as well as i can express it. like chatter from al-qeada, such messages are easy to decipher but difficult to interpret. you never know.

in uncertain situations which put me out of balance, the best i can do is stand on one foot and recite my constitution. like inago montoya of the princess bride, i recite the line that makes my life make sense. in that compartment that is marriage and family, i state my unequivocal dedication to the partnership that makes the family work. that's about all you can say, it's about love and committment, as opposed to say drama and pain. i don't have to watch eminem's movie to know such things actually can be simple. but today is the day of drama and pain. hopefully that will all be quelled by thanksgiving, considering all i have to be thankful for. but chances are my declaration will sound to her like the latest tape from osama.

so i am prepared to die with the same words on my lips. the only question remains, is she ready to kill me?