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January 13, 2001
IT
well, let's reverse-engineer it from the expectations and rule out the possibilities. presuming that it is a mega-gyroscoped sterling two-wheeled scooter, what market realities will he have to face?
first, adults have to dig it, and not just american yuppies and not just kids. so that means it has to be inexpensive and safe. american yuppies have to dig it first, of course. it has to be cool enough so that people won't feel rediculous riding one. we went through a motorscooter thing before, remember vespas? there had to be ordinary ones and high priced luxury cool ones. plus he needs to license 2 out of three big manufacturers. he's probably got to sell it first in japan so it has some extra cool factor.
the engine has to be quiet, and this thing basically has to beat out mountain bikes. so it's got to be at least as fast as that. then there has to be an extreme model so that the baggy pants crowd can jump curbs with it and ride it places that will piss middle aged people off.
it has got to be weird enough so that it defies the laws which apply to motorcycles. the engine has to be efficient enough to work half a day with no recharge or refuel or re-whatever it needs. if i designed it, i'd make it work on butane bottles. it has to be able to go very slowly so that people can use it on sidewalks in foot traffic without being a nuisance. you have got to be able to conduct it with one hand tied behind your back - if it's not compatible with cell phones and portable stereos, it will never catch on here in the states.
it has to work on dirt roads; it cannot be too heavy; it must have an extraordinary, yet simple security system. it needs to work in the rain, carry a 300 pound adult and have replaceable tires.
there needs to be a network of parts suppliers, mechanics and aftermarket goodies for it. it needs celebrity endorsement, congressional approval, and green appeal. the l.a. sheriffs need to staff some deputies on venice beach with them, some crips need to jack some kid for his, and the french need to hate it. there has to be a synchronized lot entered in the doo dah parade, it must have 'space age' technology and it can't be avaliable in stores.
they need to come in a variety of colors, preferably in unequal proportions such that yellow ones, for example, get a premium on ebay. radio stations have to give one away every week, professional wrestlers have to bash each other with selected parts and pamela anderson must be photographed with one on a beach in hawaii. jesse helms must ban their export, pat buchanan must protest their import, jesse jackson must invent a retort. they have to figure in anime, showgirls must ride them inside casinos and superbowl casualties must be toted off the field on them. jerry bruckheimer must film nicholas cage riding one through an exploding fireball. mamet must absolutely hate them. john sayles must show joe morton settling a fight over one. colin powell must promise never to use it unless he is sure the entire nation is behind him, and he is sure to win.
then, and only then will it be an american success.
Posted by mbowen at January 13, 2001 07:47 PM
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