� A Life of Lonely Journaling | Main | Aaron the Moor �
September 09, 2002
Millions
i haven't read amis in three days, but the bad dreams stick around.
last night, well this morning at about 3:30am, i finally fell asleep to julie taymor's "titus" on dvd. prior to that i had been blasting away for 5 hours on the alien ship 'truth & reconciliation' attempting in vain to complete my xbox game of 'halo' at the heroic setting. i had one lifebar remaining and i was stuck in the shuttle bay. i must have died 100 times trying one tactic after another of taking out the hunter in the maze of purple boxes, the three grunts that appeared 7 seconds later from the left, the 2 invisible foes on the balcony up and to the right 15 degrees, the two guys with shields up on the center platform, the last wave of 6 and then the two mighty hunters with the giant spikes that come out of their backs.
so i was really in a state to get ruined by dreaming.
it was actually very simple. by some twist, i arrived at the bottom of a staircase in the kremlin. a wide marble staircase squared a circle up one level. at the crest, stood a gigantic gold eagle with claws into the shoulders of a minature gold statue of stalin. he was wearing the same kind of cap as fidel castro and a boxy suit. his face looked oddly like saddam hussein's - the same bushy mustache and eyebrows. i stared at the inscription: STVLIN as if it were roman somehow.
as i climed the stairs i kept thinking how regal this building was, what an incredible monument. that if you have enough people you can accomplish anything. in particular, knowing lenin lay in state at the top in a glass case, that the world's greatest embalmers were comrades of the soviet system. as i passed the massive gold bird, i instinctively reached out to touch the wingtip, and i could see how all the gold had been rubbed down to the lead underneath where millions have touched...
..millions.
as soon as i turned through the portico up top and thought 'millions', i started to come apart. i caught a glimpse of the glass coffin in the wide flagstone floor, and people milling around in small cliques, but fell to my knees before i could take another step. i could feel it coming in slow motion, this uncontrollable weakening. i felt the pause of dread as my body prepared itself like the moment a toddler realizes how much that bump on the head *hurt*, surprised eyes wide before they shut in bawling. my jaw clenched, my lips pulled back baring my gritted teeth, i drew a gasp of cold air, my squinted eyes filled with tears and it began with a heave. i wept loudly, shuddering, hiding my face in my hands.
millions.
Posted by mbowen at September 9, 2002 12:28 PM
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