Cobb

All I want to do is write and program and create elaborate paths for people to think their way through. I'm a writer. It's compulsive. A couple years ago I got the opportunity to break the cycle. I was a business development guy in Silicon Valley and I got into other people's pockets and business for a living. I was a boisterous, man in black. I had the cell, the palm, the laptop, the blue shirt, the frequent flyer miles and preferred rentacar. I had the look, the feel, the right stuff and the $75 pen. I was smooth, I had a corner cube and I was learning Mandarin in preparation for my sabbatical in Asia. But I've gotten over myself.

I had to ramp up to get to that spot anyway. I never quite believed it all, but I didn't put it past happening. But when I got there, I was happy. Very happy. I'm adaptable like that. Today I'm happy in a completely different dimension. I'm dowdied down, letting my hair grow (I'd been bald going on 7 years), and got my Buddha on. It's not all about me.

This evening I have a problem.

Writing in several dimensions is joyful, and it is painful. I am dependent on audience in a way I haven't felt before. The hype life is creeping into my writing life. I can feel the pull every time a comment gets posted on my site. I feel the need to be heard and acknowledged like never before, and the silence is killing me.

I might as well wrap in a review of Phone Booth while I'm at it. It's better than it looks, which is very good. Simple story, perfect acting, slick production. But the dilemma of the central character is that he's a fake, and he's forced to get real. I'm real. The things I like to do are actually beneficial to folks, and I have very few secrets. I'd hate to die next week because it would devastate my kids, but I've done enough for me to face it. Almost.

I feel the need to keep writing until a mountain moves. And I'm particular. I want to write about things I can't talk about wiht my friends and associates. I want to drag people into my world, but it takes so long.

My boy Iz says sometimes he feels like the only person who can do right the things he cares about. He said that in response to me asking if he ever felt like the only person who cares about what he cares about. That's how I feel oftimes. What do I have to do to get the people I know to read all my shit? I don't want to write a screenplay. This is where I am. It feels alone, which is different from the solitude I wanted for my future.